To address the negative stigma too often associated with having ADD.
Over a month of blogging and I've yet to even discuss the topic! What better place to begin than - the beginning?!
Growing up, I was a little smarty pants. I loved reading, usually books well above my grade level and doing puzzles, not the ones with curved edges, but ones that made you think to figure them out. I did fairly well in school, but my teachers always had the same message on report cards - Jenni could do so much better if only she applied herself/tried harder/stopped talking so much. Fortunately, I never did poorly, so my parents didn't really have much to complain about, besides "Do your homework!" Except at home, where my they would find me sitting on my messy bedroom floor reading, two hours after they sent me up to clean. It was a broken record - they would yell, I would cry, they'd ask why I didn't clean, I'd say I forgot, they would roll their eyes and I'd be left feeling hopeless.
In high school, other students were learning how to formulate well researched papers - I was learning how to procrastinate until the last minute and still bang out an "A" paper. I took my bad habits to college, but instead of being constantly reminded about deadlines, we were expected to know when things were due. And attend class on our own. This did not work out well for me. I managed to squeak by in some classes, but in ones that didn't hold my interest - like math or history - I was hopeless. There was that feeling again.
I knew something had to be wrong with me, but couldn't figure it out. Maybe the college route just wasn't for me. So I decided to stick to working and put my education on hold. I bounced around from restaurant to restaurant, nannying to retail. After about 6 months at a place, I would get restless and feel the urge to jump ship to find something new. Every time I filled out a new job application, I felt a little silly writing in all the different positions I'd held previously. Was this how things would be forever?
At 23, I was making decent money bartending but extremely dissatisfied with my life. All my friends were graduating and starting "real" jobs, working 9 - 5, Monday to Friday. I found myself surrounded with career "industry" workers and knew that wasn't where I wanted to be for the long-term. So I quit my job and set out to find a "real job" of my own. I landed a position as an Office Manager and initially felt very happy with my decision to change careers. But six months later, that creeping feeling of boredom came in and I found myself hating my job. I would sit staring at a computer screen for hours without getting much done, unable to stop myself from being sidetracked.
Then I met a girl who told me about having ADD. She'd been diagnosed in college and it changed her life. Her story sounded exactly like mine! Smart but didn't apply herself, extremely disorganized, constantly seeking exciting and new experiences, quickly becoming bored with the same routine. She suggested I look into the disorder and consider talking to a doctor. I began reading up on ADD and it was incredible how many of the "qualifications" I could check off.
One session with my psychiatrist and he confirmed what I thought - I had Attention Deficit Disorder. He gave me a prescription for Adderall, but I told him I was apprehensive about taking drugs. So he also gave me a couple books to read that addressed alternative methods.
A few weeks later I felt like a whole new person. The Adderall helped my brain stay focused on one thing at a time instead of darting around to a million ideas at once. And I discovered I'd been doing a lot of things that adversely affected my attention (I'll touch on those later.) I found myself able to concentrate on work tasks and get 10 times as much done. My fears about going back to school actually seemed conquerable. I found a feeling that seemed lost so many years before - hope.
I shared the great news with people in my life and received mixed responses. Some people insisted that ADD wasn't "real" and that maybe I was just becoming an adult. Others reacted like I told them that I'd had cancer - like the diagnosis was something I should be devastated about, and I was now going through treatment to get rid of the disease. A few people were lightly positive and supportive, basically saying, "Hey, if it works for you - go for it!" But no one really seemed to be excited about it like I was. This was a life changing experience!
As time goes on, I become more and more comfortable opening up to people about my ADD. It is not who I am, but it is a part of who I am and I shouldn't feel ashamed to admit it. Does the girl with poor vision feel disgraced by her glasses? Or the family walking for autism feel embarrassed by their son? Is it okay to make someone feel stained by being a diabetic or dyslexic?
Our world today is all about showing support and raising awareness, yet ADD is one disorder that still has a negative stigma. And I'm working to change that.
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