This happens to everyone, I know, but it always seems to happen to me when I'm stressed out and have a lot of important things going on. I have two finals tomorrow, first one is at 9:30am. Excuse me as I refrain from using a three-letter
So instead of staring blankly into the night with a million thoughts jumbled around in my head, I'm going to attempt to reign some of them in and put them into words. There will be no organization, just letting ideas flow out through my fingers and hope for the best.
Feel free to skip on below to some pictures of my adorable niece and nephew. But if you feel compelled to read my delirious ramblings...
I am an emotional person. I probably cry at least once a day, from hearing songs tied to memories to watching cheesy commercials. But its not only sad moments that bring on the water works, I get teary eyed thinking about being a teacher, watching reality tv shows (America's Next Great Restaurant - really?), and reading about people "doing the right thing." I experience emotions deeply and can actually feel chemicals pulse through my veins when I'm anxious, angry, or frustrated. I have a difficult time hiding my true feelings and my demeanor will give me away if I try to fake being "okay."
And yet, despite being such a sensitive person, I hide the majority of my emotions. I feel as though letting my guard down and showing my true self to someone is a sign of weakness. If I had to guess, I'd say its because I'm afraid of being judged.
My whole life I've tried to be myself and not care about what other people think about me. And for the most part, I feel like I've done a pretty damn good job of doing so. But then I take a step back and look at myself from an outsiders perspective and immediately think I should change the parts of me that others might not like.
Other times, I notice myself not acting like myself and want to punch myself for not being real. Like when I hold back emotions instead of just letting them spill out, fearing that the person on the receiving end will leave me standing in the dust, alone with nothing but buckets of my tears. Okay that was lame.
Jim is the first person I've ever fully trusted to share my deepest, most painful feelings. The thoughts that I don't like even thinking to myself because they're so abrasive. But I know he loves me for who I am, and no matter what I've been through in the past, he will continue to help me grow into the person that I want to be. Someone who is confident in mind, body and spirit. Someone who can readily give and receive love. Someone who isn't afraid to need and be needed. Someone who chases her dreams, follows her heart and stays true to her passions. Someone who isn't afraid to take chances. I'm working on that person.
Growing up, my immediate family didn't share love with lots of physical affection or words to express how we felt about one another. My mom and dad were the strong silent types, similar to their own parents. My biological father showered me with kisses and "I love you's" and gifts to show me how much he loved me. But when it came time to spend time with me, he usually had better things to do. As I grew older, I realized that the showy affection wasn't real love at all. The caring about my grades, worrying when I come home late and giving thoughtful advice... that was the real love.
Now that I'm an adult, I understand that there needs to be an equal balance of the showy love and hidden love. I've even tried to be the one to instigate verbal and physical affection with my parents. I find it difficult to fully share my feelings with them because I am still sensitive when it comes to understanding the different ways of showing love. Seven years ago I stopped speaking to my biological father because I was tired of him lying and pretending to love me when all he really cared about was himself. I don't regret my decision, but sometimes think back to how much I really did love him and wonder if any of it was real for him.
Wow. Deep stuff for 6am on a Wednesday morning.
On that note, I'm going to attempt to get a couple hours of sleep in before heading off to my final.
Wish me luck!
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