Haven't been any posts in awhile. I could blame it on a multitude of factors - the holiday season, work, my ADD, the general combination of all of these... but no need for excuses.
Recently I had a friendship come to an end. It wasn't one of those friendships that just fizzles out, or bursts into flames because of a disagreement. In fact, there really wasn't any fire at all. Just a few hurtful words and that was that. Over and done. Sure, I smelled some smoke in the weeks leading up to the end, but I kept trying to tell myself I was imagining things.
In the aftermath, I spent months trying to sort things out in my mind about what happened. Mostly about what I could have done differently. I kept searching for clues I may have missed. Some sort of justification. Anything that would shed some light on the situation. Foolishly, I thought maybe some sort of explanation would come with time. But none came. And after looking at things from a million different perspectives, I realized it was no use. There was no explanation that would make things better, hurt less, change anything at all.
Its easy to thing of things as the big picture: "That's life! Shit happens! Move on!"
Its not as easy when its personal. When its not a natural disaster or some stranger you blame for your hurting. Someone close. Something personal.
Makes you want to trust less. Build bigger walls. Regret opening up.
But you can't. You have to move forward. Trust yourself. Believe that you'll eventually feel less pain.
"Things will happen in your life that you can't stop. But that's no reason to shut out the world. There's a purpose for the good and for the bad."
- Crazy Pete, Now and Then
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